Begini Rasanya Menangis Karena Hilang Kesabaran Menghadapi Anak

Semalam terjadi huru hara. Huru hara besar. Tengah malam Mas Damar minta mimik. Sebelumnya dalam tidurku aku merasa Mas Damar gelisah sekian lama. Akhirnya aku mau bangun dan menyusui Mas Damar. Seperti biasa, ketika menyusui malam-malam, aku meraba pantat Mas Damar. Ow, pantesan gelisah, basah begini. Ya sudah, aku lepas celananya. Giliran kaosnya mau dilepas, Mas Damar protes. Aku bujuk, "Mas, nanti masuk angin kalau kaosnya basah." Mas Damar ngeyel dan berujung ngamuk. Karena aku pengin pipis dan campur kesal, kutinggalkan Mas Damar begitu saja ke kamar mandi. Dan seperti biasa, dia mengikuti dan menggedor-gedor pintu kamar mandi sambil ngamuk. Minta ampun, malam-malam begini berteriak-teriak seperti itu.

Aku berusaha membujuk dengan suara pelan, Mas Damar tetap ngamuk. Lalu minta mimik tapi nggak mau mimik. Malah mengusir aku, "pergi!!!" Aku keluar kamar, Mas Damar tambah ngamuk, "ikut! ikut!" Begitu terus sampai kurang lebih dua puluh menit. Aku sampai hilang kesabaran, kubanting selimut dan bantal sambil bertanya, "Mas Damar maunya apa? Kenapa?" Mas Damar tambah keras nangisnya. Astaghfirullah, akhirnya aku diam. Setengah menyesal karena sempat lepas kontrol aku menangis. Melihatku menangis, Mas Damar yang sempat diam malah ikut-ikutan menangis, tapi menangisnya tak bersuara, dan kepalanya nyusruk ke dalam bantal. Lalu kutanya dia. "Mas Damar kenapa? Mas Damar kenapa jahat sama ibu? Ibu salah apa? Mas Damar kenapa nakal sama ibu? Salah ibu apa? Mas, ibu Mas Damar cuma satu. Kalau ibu nggak ada, Mas Damar sama siapa?" Terus... terus... kuulang-ulang saja pertanyaan itu. Mas Damar tak segera diam. Lalu aku berdoa. Mas Damar diam dan ngeliatin. Lalu dia nempel-nempel ke aku. Lalu menyorongkan tangan kirinya untuk minta maaf, lalu mencium pipiku dan tak lupa : "mimik... mimik..." Hahaha, biar kondisi sedang gawat begini nggak pernah lupa ya sama mimiknya.

Setelah dia bobok (dan tetap gelisah) aku mikir-mikir. Aku ingat kejadian paginya. Aku berangkat kerja naik angkot. Ada pengamen anak-anak. Waktu dia menawarkan amplop tiga penumpang angkot termasuk aku menolak dengan melambaikan tangan. Tapi setelah itu dia tidak turun dari angkot. Dia tetap menyanyi. Dengan soundtrack ngenes nyanyian pengamen cilik itu, aku mikir. "Kalau aku nggak ada, bapak nggak ada, gimana nasib Mas Damar ya? Jangan sampai terlantar seperti ini." Karena pikiran itu, waktu si pengamen mau turun aku kasih sekedar recehan. Dua penumpang lain melirik. Aku berpikir, mereka merasa dikhianati oleh ulahku hihi.

Nyambung ke malam itu. Aku mempertanyakan, "kalau ibu nggak ada, Mas Damar sama siapa?" Astaghfirullah, jadi begini cara Allah mengingatkanku. Mas Damar milik Dia, bukan milikku. Kalau aku nggak ada, Mas Damar akan dijaga-Nya. Aku kok takabur begini. Astaghfirullah.

Aku juga mikir. Mungkin begini hukumanku karena kadang membuat ibuku menangis. Aku disuruh merasakan juga bagaimana rasanya menangis karena jengkel sama anak. Ya Allah ampuni aku. Ibu, maafkan aku.

Anak Kami Meninggal Sebelum Dilahirkan

19 Des 2009 : Flek dua kali. Warna merah cerah.
20 Des 2009: Periksa ke dr. Sofie (suster-suster Hermina menyebutnya Prof. Sofie). Dengan USG perut kondisi rahim susah terlihat karena sang ibu paginya kurang minum. Akhirnya, aku merasakan juga yang namanya USG transvaginal. Rasanya biasa-biasa saja :D. Bayi yang menurut hitunganku 8 minggu (LMP: 24 Okt 2009), menurut alat USG umurnya 7 minggu 5 hari. Terdeteksi denyut jantung. Menurutku, gerakannya lemah dibanding waktu Damar dulu: kelihatan banget. Tapi menurut Prof. Sofie kondisi rahim dan janin baik-baik saja. Tetapi dengan laporan soal flek, Prof. Sofie wanti-wanti supaya aku segera ke Hermina kalau keluar flek lagi.
29 Des 2009: Flek kecoklatan 5 kali, keluar sewaktu BAB dan BAK.
30 Des 2009: Pagi-pagi darah keluar bukan ketika BAB/BAK. Tapi mengalir seperti ketika menstruasi. Aku langsung ke Hermina dan dibawa ke ruang bersalin. Tidur di tempat yang sama persis dengan sewaktu melahirkan Damar. Perasaanku mulai nggak enak. Bidan yang mengisi formulir sempat meragukan kedatanganku ke kamar bersalin. "Jadi, fleknya cuma waktu pipis aja?" dengan raut wajah sedikit kecut. Sewaktu bidan lain bertanya sambil lalu, dia menjawab, "abortus." Duh, semoga ibu bidan yang satu ini lebih bijaksana.
Tiduran sekitar satu jam menunggu Prof. Sofie. Ternyata beliau sedang mengajar di Jatinangor. Konsultasi hanya dilakukan lewat telepon. Prof. Sofie berpesan agar aku di-USG oleh dokter yang sedang praktek. Jika janin baik, aku diminta bedrest di RS karena menurutnya tidak mungkin bedrest di rumah dengan kehadiran anak yang belum genap 2 tahun. Oh, benar banget, selama hamil kedua ini aku tidak pernah bisa beristirahat dengan tenang dan damai. Bagaimana jika kondisi janin tidak baik (penghalusan dari sudah meninggal)? Aku harus dikuret.
Aku di-USG oleh dr. Yena. USG perut kurang jelas (dan aku sudah minum 3 gelas air putih sebelumnya, wew!). Dr. Yena meminta aku USG transvaginal lagi. Baiklah. Waktu itu aku tidak berpikir panjang bahwa USG transvaginal bisa membuat perdarahan makin parah. Hasil USG? Kabar baiknya janin kulihat sudah lebih besar, bentuknya juga sudah berkembang. Dilihat dari umurnya adalah 8 minggu 3 hari. Hmm, hitunganku sudah 9 minggu 3 hari. Kabar buruknya, menurut dr. Yena: TIDAK ADA DETAK JANTUNG.
Kembali konsultasi dengan Prof. Sofie lewat telepon. Aku diminta pulang lalu datang BERSAMA DENGAN SUAMI untuk kuret. Puasa dulu 6 jam. Tetapi aku meminta Prof. Sofie sebelumnya melihat dulu sendiri kondisi kehamilanku. Beliau setuju dan meminta aku datang ke Zr. Tedja jam 3 sore. Aku bilang suamiku mungkin belum datang karena masih di Jakarta, kalau hari Rabu? "Okay, jam 2 siang ya?"
Aku menunggu administrasi di kasir sambil menangis. Sampai di kantor, ibuku menelpun. Ibuku selalu menelpun di saat yang tepat. Intuisinya memang sangat tajam jika itu menyangkut anak-anaknya. Tambah nangis-nangis lagi aku nya :D. Dulu waktu aku sedang bingung sendiri karena mules-mules mau melahirkan Damar sebelum waktunya, ibuku juga menelpun.
Jam 12, m Raul datang. Dia sepakat dengan tindakanku untuk mencari second opinion dari dr. Sofie. Mungkin jika alat lebih canggih lebih kelihatan? Mungkin detak jantungnya lemah? Mungkin posisi janin sedang kurang bagus?
Kabar buruknya, sepulangku dari Hermina, darahku mengalir seperti menstruasi. Bukan cuma semburat warna kecoklatan.
30 Des 2009: Pagi-pagi menelpun Zr. Tedja. Tidak ada yang mengangkat. Siang jam 1 menelpun lagi dan ternyata hari itu antrian sudah penuh. Aku langsung meminta m Raul untuk mencari informasi dokter kandungan di Borromeus. Dan sorenya, kami langsung datang ke dr. Eddy Haswidi di Borromeus. Dengan alat USG di ruangannya, dr. Eddy kurang yakin. "Gimana ini? Ada detak nggak? Ukurannya memang kecil. Sepertinya tidak berkembang. Gimana? Sayang ya, padahal ada janin. Bu, USG lagi yang lebih besar ya. Sebelum memutuskan lebih baik kita yakin. Kalau bisa malam ini juga USG, saya tunggu. Tapi kalau sudah tutup, besuk pagi-pagi ya." Kami setuju dengan dr. Eddy. Sebenarnya aku agak kecewa dengan Prof. Sofie, kenapa beliau segera memintaku untuk kuret padahal beliau belum melihat langsung kondisi janin. Mungkin karena Prof. Sofie sangat percaya pada kompetensi rekannya.
Oh ya kali ini, aku minum banyak dan menahan pipis hehehe. Sampai waktu mau USG, si dokter bilang, "Perutnya dilemesin Bu..." Haha, ini kaku karena nahan pipis jeh.
Malamnya, aku mengalami mules-mules terus-terusan tanpa henti selama sekitar 5 jam (haha, 1 jam = 1 menit. Yang namanya kontraksi kan sebentar saja kerasa lama ya?). Sakitnya seperti waktu mau melahirkan. Boong, rasanya cuma sepersekian mules melahirkan. Lalu rasanya keluar sesuatu yang bukan aliran darah. Aku menduga gumpalan darah. Setelah sakit reda aku ke kamar mandi untuk melihat. Dan ternyata yang keluar di kamar tadi adalah jaringan. Patah hati iya tapi juga lega rasanya. Aku tidak harus bertanya-tanya lagi.
31 Des 2009: Kami konsultasi lagi dengan dr. Eddy Haswidi. Dan dokter langsung meminta aku untuk menjalani prosedur D&C siang itu juga. Semua suster mempertanyakan keputusan ini. Soalnya aku sudah sarapan jam 8 pagi :D. Dr. Eddy bilang tidak apa-apa. Ya sudah. Mari kita kuret. Jam 11 aku masuk ruang kuret. Dengan segala persiapan dan lalu beres-beres setelah kuret, jam dua belas kurang seperempat aku sudah di ruang pemulihan. Kupikir tadinya, kuret bakalan menyiksa. Ternyata ibu-ibu, kuret adalah hiburan bagi ibu yang mengalami keguguran. He, setidaknya itu berlaku bagiku. Tentu saja bukan dikerok-keroknya yang menghibur tetapi biusnya :D. Setelah aku merasakan cairan bius mengalir di pembuluh darah di tangan kananku aku tidur pulas seketika. Ketika dibangunkan oleh suster, aku masih ngantuk banget dan merasa tenang, nyaman dan damai sejahtera :D. Pantas saja banyak orang kecanduan obat bius dan obat penenang. Tapi walaupun ngantuk banget, aku sempat-sempatin berterimakasih pada dokter. Lalu bertanya kepada suster, apa aku ngelindur. "Enggak kok Bu, nggak ada rahasia yang terbongkar hehe." Lalu bertanya, apa tadi ada sisanya. "Ada Bu, tapi cuma sedikit." Lalu suster berpesan, "Ibu tidur saja sekarang ya. Saya panggilkan suami."
Jam 1 kami pulang dari Borromeus. Ketika m Raul membeli pendil, suster melihatku di luar sedang menjaga motor sambil duduk di jok bagian depan. Suster berteriak, "heee! Baru dikuret sudah naik motor saja!" Oow, aku ketahuan. Aku membela diri, "cuma bonceng kok."

Kok aku sepertinya ringan-ringan saja menceritakan semua ini ya? Tidak juga. Sebenarnya, subuh-subuh setelah keguguran aku berpikir lama dan menangis lama, sendirian. Kenapa ini terjadi dan kenapa kejadiannya seperti ini. Mungkin benar kata dr. Yena, ini seleksi alam. Mungkin benar pada dasarnya bibit anak kedua kami kurang bagus. Aku yakin, keguguranku bukan karena semingguan sebelum aku kena flek yang pertama aku kena pilek parah sampai berat badanku turun 4 kilo. Dan sewaktu aku pilek itu aku juga harus menjaga Damar yang rewel karena ketularan pilek dan demamku. Dan aku yakin, keguguranku ini bukan karena sehari sebelum flek yang kedua aku naik angkot dan memangku Damar yang ketiduran. Sepulang dari piknik kecil itu, aku kecapekan luar biasa. Pusing dan pegal. Tapi aku yakin, bukan karena itu aku keguguran. Aku yakin janin kami meninggal sebelum itu. Karena beberapa hari sebelumnya aku sudah merasakan tanda-tanda hamil muda hilang dariku. Sebelumnya aku mencium bau brambang goreng rasanya mau muntah tapi menjelang kena flek itu aku sudah doyan makan brambang goreng. Yang masih belum kupahami sampai sekarang, mengapa aku diberi kesempatan melihat janinku hidup sebelum seminggu kemudian melihatnya tak berdetak lagi? Itu yang membuatku patah hati. Itu yang membuat aku memuas-muaskan diri untuk menyalahkan diri sendiri: aku kurang menyayanginya, aku kurang memperhatikannya, aku kurang mencintainya. Ya Allah, ampuni aku. Anakku, maafkan ibumu. Tidak usah menasehatiku, ini memang tidak rasional. Tapi aku merasa begitu. Begini cara Allah menyuruhku belajar. Untuk lebih bersyukur. Untuk lebih mencintai. Lebih mencintai Mas Damar. Lebih mencintai adik Mas Damar. Lebih mencintai dan membutuhkan suami. Lebih mencintai dan membutuhkan Yang Menciptakan aku.
Namun walaupun kami harus mengalami ini, Allah membuatnya mudah bagi kami. Keguguran yang alami membuat kami yakin anak kami yang kedua ini memang sudah ingin dilahirkan, jauh sebelum waktunya. Kami tidak harus merasa bersalah, tidak harus memaksa anak ini keluar dengan jalan dikuret. Kami juga diberi kesempatan untuk melihat dulu janin yang tidak lagi berdetak jantungnya sebelum akhirnya aku keguguran. Aku yakini ini adalah cara Allah menyelamatkan kami dari prasangka-prasangka: aku keguguran karena aku kecapekan atau bahkan karena aku menyusui Mas Damar. TIDAK AKAN, walaupun cuma sedikit aku akan menyalahkan Mas Damar atau siapa pun dalam hal ini. Kalau ada yang salah, yang salah hanyalah aku. Aku, ibu yang kurang menyayangi anaknya yang kedua.

Kindergarten Teacher And Something About Love

Damar is such a popular boy for his age. I'm not kidding. I'm not the only one who has such an opinion. When I leaved for work yesterday, Damar already had three guests, five with the adults. This morning, two girls. You may think that I am happy for this fact. Not totally true. Sometimes our -or Damar's- guests drive me insane.

Imagine these scenes:
- Abdillah grabbed Damar's boots, Damar grabbed Abdillah's face. Damar's mom grabbed his son. Mbak Fari grabbed Abdillah. Damar cried. Abdillah cried.
- Neng built something with legos. Damar disassembled it. Neng pinched Damar's hand. Damar yanked Neng's hair. Damar's mom yelled, "no fight! No fight!" They continued hurting each other. Damar's mom grabbed his son. Damar cried.
- Ipan ran and teased Damar. Damar walked fast, tried to catch him. Damar tangled by his own feet. Damar cried. Ipan went on running and teased him.
- Ipan played a ball. Abdillah wanted his turn to kick the ball. Ipan won't let him. Abdillah cried. Mbak Fari yelled at Ipan then locked him out of his own house. Ipan got into Damar's home and turned the TV on, loudly.
... and there were many more. Believe me, even their harmless michief could make me so upset.

What make it harder is that Damar enjoy being with his friends. No matter how loud his crying because of his friends' behaviour, it'll be louder if I take him away from them. It always ends up with he's being really mad at me. That's why everytime we hear someone calling Damar's name outside our home, Damar smiles wide and I frown. Sometimes a really bad thought comes into my head that Damar will love his friends better than his own mom. Oh please God, don't let that happens. I am not afraid being called an egoistic mother. I love him and I want him to love me. I hope someday he'll understand that all that I do was nothing but to protect him.

I am positively sure that I can be very patient with my own boy but not to other kids. That's why I was really surprised when yesterday Mbak Fari asked me, "are you a kindergarten teacher?" Wa ha ha, I am so grateful that I am not! Mbak Las will suit better. It's so lucky we have her.

Sun Salutation

Hey, it's been a while since my last post here. I have to admit that I got caught with the Facebook frenzy. It was enough to keep myself busy, not to mention that my job only was already making me crazy over these past few months. Who won't get crazy with Symbian by the way? I will worship anybody who didn't and who help others who did. It drained me mentally and physically as well. Thank God, this project is partially over now. My boss let me have some relax time now. He even suggested me to have a leave. Oh yes, a short calm before another storm. Whatever... I'll enjoy this moment, however brief.
I don't have to come home so late this time. That gives me an opportunity to start reading books again. And also having a lazy morning with my boy again. Not so lazy I guess, we spend it by walking around the neighborhood together, just the two of us. Greeting the morning, the sun, the cats, the people.
I even try to do the sun salutation every morning now. I watch this routine for the first time on the video downloaded from youtube by my ex coworker. I didn't know its name by then. A couple days ago I read about this routine at Dr Oz website. It's simple; It doesn't take time; I tried to do it and I felt pretty good about it so I decided to practice this routine from then on. And every morning I did it, Damar was -still laying in the bed- giggling while watching me with his curious eyes. What so funny dear son? Well, I couldn't be more happy to do something that entertains him. So, it's another reason to keep doing this. Maybe someday he'll follow me doing it instead of just watching and giggling. That'll be my turn to watch him and giggle, ha ha ha.

Half Face Helmet

After I got the kite string accident more than a month ago, I asked bapak a good helmet with something to cover my face against another kite string or big rain drops. I want a half face helmet. We've already been looking around at some malls and the helmets we've found there were either too expensive or too heavy (according to my opinion). And after more than a month, I still wear the same helmet :(.
Yesterday, one of my coworker said that from this month, all motor rider in Bandung must wear standard helmet (what standard?). This rule will be socialized from November 15. Oh no!! Socialization means police officers everywhere! Oh no!! I have some kind of police paranoia because I don't have a driving license! That's strange because my father is an ex, hahah!

The Write Stuff

my handwriting personality is... dreamy doodler

Your handwriting shows that you are first and foremost an individual. A little rebellious and a lot quirky, routines bore you and you're happiest when things aren't operating on a set schedule (kind of makes school and work a drag, right?).
You seem intuitive to the point of almost being psychic, have friends from several different cliques and your clothing style is always changing. You probably have a passion for strange, found objects and might be a bit of a flakester (sometimes).

What does your handwriting reveal about you?

Accident

The rider of Mican was crashed by...
...
...
a nasty kite string...

It happened yesterday at Pasteur - Surapati fly over. I got several ugly cuts on my forehead, right eye, and upper cheek. Thank God I still could master my Mican although another motorcycle rider scolded me. Apparently he changed his mind and thought that I needed some help. He slowed down his motorcycle and then looked around. But I was fine by that. I continued my journey home with the wind blowing over my cuts, hu hu... it hurt.

I considered myself lucky upon that accident. My coworker had a similar accident in Jl Gunung Batu and he fell down.

Oh kids, don't fly your kites around the highway please. And Mr. Chest, here your people needs some nice public areas. And dear bapak, now I really need a good helmet. Oh and a nice jacket will be great as a bonus :P.

Damar's Birth

- My EDD is 27 January 2008, Damar's birth day is Saturday - 5 January 2008 - 00:20, didn't reach the 37th months of pregnancy.

- From week 0 until birth date I stayed in the house by myself. Bapak worked at Cilegon and then moved to Palembang. A week before the day I went mad at him because I thought he took the detail of the delivery business so lightly. I asked him, "If I went to the hospital without you, then who will do the registration stuff?" He simply answered, " let the nurse do that." Waaaaaaaaah was I mad!
I did the registration by myself :|. I had 3 to 4 cm dilation and was having some strong contractions when I filled up the form. Thank God it was not a long one.

- I was first having my contraction on 4 January 2008 02.00. On 2 January 2008 the host of the house I lived was died of lungs tumor. All of the family went to Gombong for his funeral.
I hoped that I could ask for their help when I had my labor, and they've all gone :'(. So I asked for Erti's help instead. Erti, Mas Budi and Rahma.... thank you so much. They helped me called the taxi. They went with me to Hermina Pasteur and they stayed there until another family friend arrived: Ajiz, Pak Iwan and Sofi. The later family stayed at the hospital until baby Damar was born in the middle of the night. I'll make sure Damar put them in his heart forever for all their kindness. Am I going to cry :'(.

- I haven't convinced that I had labor until around 09.00 when the mucus plug was out. I went like "oh what am I going to do..." I thought the contractions I had the whole night was just a plain stomachache. Then I took a bath, washed my hair, washed my clothes (I consider this as an extreme nesting behavior!), prepared my hospital bag, called bapak that "I think I'm gonna go to the hospital right now, please go home." And then I asked Erti to come to help me. We arrived at the hospital at around 12.00.

- The nurses put baby monitor on my tummy twice. My contractions went rare. At around 14.00, they said that I should go home, they thought I won't give birth that day. I felt uncertain. I wanted them to check my dilation first. The nurse did that and said, "Oow... you're 3 to 4 cm dilated." I asked her, "I suppose that's a long way to delivery?" She said, "nope, you're gonna give birth NOW."

- Around 16.00 I was still 3-4 cm dilated. I went outside the delivery room. Watching TV with Ajiz. I had my contractions stronger and more frequent. Around 18.00 I went back to my room. I felt sleepy and tired.

- My gynecologist was Dr Sofie Rifayani but that day she was in Bali. The nurse said that I would be in Dr Irna's hands instead. And she said, "Oh... she's also a good doctor." And I think, "Oh like it will matter... I was too busy to digest all of this."
The doctor came at around 19.00 and she studied the baby monitor result and she said, "I think you should wait until 37th month. You don't have any progress on your dilation. You can stay here tonight but tomorrow you can go home and please come back here on Monday to have another check."

- At 19.30 the doctor asked me to come to her room. She examined me using the USG tool. And then she said the same thing that I should go home tomorrow. I should take a rest so I won't have anymore contractions, oh and I've been wandering around and I took the stairs up and down all afternoon! That suggestion was to late haha!

- I went back to my room and I said to Ajiz that I'd like to have some nice sleep so she left me alone. I was having strong contractions. I tell you, the breathing technique was so worked for me. When I felt that pain I just breathed and breathed and hold the bed metal frame above my head so strongly. And between all that contractions I slept quite nicely hahah.
But at around 23.00 I couldn't sleep anymore. They grew stronger. I felt like I was going to the toilet but it was too painful to get up from sleeping position and then to get down from the bed. I couldn't help moaning... I couldn't even call the nurse or Ajiz, I went like "oh what am I going to do" once again. Fortunately the other patient in that room told his husband to helped calling the nurse. The nurse came and helped me and she said, "I should check your dilation. Please tell me when you're not having your contraction." So she checked me when I was not having it, and she was giving shocked face and she screamed, "it's a full dilation!!!" Was I relieved!
She screamed, "now... now... it's now!" And she prepared all the tools quickly, she called the doctor, she called her friend to calm me, it didn't work :D. How come they told me, "Hold! Hold! Don't push! Don't push! The doctor's not here!" So I yelled at them, "where is the doctor?" The nurse said, "she's downstairs... just wait a second." Then I heard them whispering that actually the doctor was on her way home, hahah!
One of the nurse sat on me so I couldn't open my legs, oh that was fine. The other one rubbed my back to comfort me, it didn't work, I yelled, "don't rub my back! I must concentrate on my breathing!" I tell you, when there's no husband to be yelled out, the nurse will be a great substitute hahah.

I felt like I've been waiting forever to push but when the doctor finally arrived I asked, "may I push now? now?" Ha ha, that was a so silly question I admit. So they all yelled at me, "YES, NOW! NOW!" And I pushed, and they were all disappointed. That was not the right way. I thought, "oh what can you expect, it's my first time!" They showed me the right way and I was suddenly became a master, yeah! I pushed once more and I saw my baby boy's hair.
And I saw Ajiz and bapak burst in, and both of the nurses said, "aaaaaaaah here is your husband!", hahah, they sounded so relieved when bapak was arrived, yeah yeah free from the husband substitution duty!
And I saw the doctor's scissors. And I don't care for any of them. I only cared to push and push and I saw him, my baby boy! Yes, I remembered pushing only three times, four if the failed one was counted he he.

- The doctor pulled my placenta out and she said, "oh... there was some leftover. You know... before the due date, usually the placenta is still so sticky to the cervix." And there... she took out the leftover manually, using her hands naturally. She went in several times. When she was doing it she gave expression like she was saying, "oh no... not there. Maybe I should reach in deeper? Oh yeah... there it is. And maybe I should check that spot... Oh I like this cleaning business! Yes, I am!"

- I was so sleepy I almost left Damar sleeping while he was giving his best on the early latched on program kekeke. He seemed to take so long time until the nurse said, "if your baby doesn't found your nipples in another 5 minutes I will take him to cover him." Oh okay, that was fine for me.

- I was suddenly became so alert after the nurse and I were having an argument over a catheter hahah. I don't want to pee and she insisted, saying that based on the procedure I must pee first before she let me left the delivery room.
I left without pee :D. And she said, "oh you doesn't look like a mother who gave birth." How come? And she said, "you look so fresh." Oh maybe I won't if you still insisted me to pee, kekeke, kidding.

- Thank God for that argument I can give my colostrum to Damar right away that night. The baby nurse said, "Dedek ini pinter banget nyusunya" I can't give that expression in English :P. So, the first nickname for Damar is "dedek yang pinter nyusu". Every time she met Damar, she called him that way.

- And I got my own nick name from this nurse who help my delivery, her name is Suster Dorothy by the way. She called me "ibu yang paginya disuruh pulang tapi malah melahirkan."

This is a story that will stay in my heart forever. God has made it 'so easy' for me to gave birth when I was feeling so alone and helpless. Oh how I was blessed with the love from my mother, my husband, my family, my friends, and of course my son! And also the help from the doctor and the nurses. Thank you.

It's Not Ams Anymore

Hohoho... I still have this blog! I read my posts and it feels so funny to read the word 'ams'. He is 'bapak' now. I'm pretty occupied with Damar and my work and my books and TAR and Survivor I don't have enough time to play with my creativity to create new nick names for my husband.

But, oh yeaah... I created some nick names for Damar:
- Monsu, stands for Monster Susu
- Paduka Tuan Kaisar for his imperious manner, :D
- Wawa because that's what he likes to say "wawa... wawa... wawawa..."
- Cigulak-gulik from his motions especially when he was bathing, back then when he was just a tiny baby
- Cikubembem from pipi tembem
- Pimbem-pimbil from pipi tembem pipi gembil

Bapak also created some nick names:
- Pangeran suku perut buncit, hhh he thinks that perut buncit is cute!
...
...
I can't remember what else. He's not as creative as I am, ha ha!

Reunion: Me and My Blog

I'm sorry oh dear blog, I left you for ages. Well, I just lost my cynical side during my pregnancy and cynical is an important keyword in this blog :D. I think it's important for a woman to have positive attitudes while she's pregnant so I just didn't feel right to write here. I wrote at my friendster blog instead.

Good news is, I've delivered my baby (January 5). Oh, is he a cute baby boy! How he changes me in some ways! And exactly that's the bad news. I think I lost most of my cynical side--or is it just my imagination? He95x--. I should ask my husband, sometimes he knows me better than I do.

Well, even if I do lose my cynical side, still I'm not quite sure if it was permanent :D :D :D.
So dear blog, let me write my journal here. Let us forget about cynical or non-cynical. I just have this feeling that it's time to come back to you. Hug!

Weird vs Romantic

Yesterday one of my coworker told other workers including me about his love life, I won't get into the detail here because it's somebody else's life. But his story made me told them about ams and I, how I ask what ams want before I bought something for his birthday present and how I told him what I want before he asked me :P. Also how we buy things, if he wants to buy expensive thing then he must make me buy another expensive thing for myself first before I let him.

My coworker said, "you, weird couple". Ho ho... are we? Maybe we are, but some of my friends thought that we are romantic, in a weird way maybe.. ha ha.

Like one afternoon... while i was still working at steel pipe factory, I told Patrick via Yahoo! Messenger about how lonely and bored I am without weird people around me. Patrik was one of the weird people :P. And I said, "even my husband become less weird now :((".

And the night came, I've already asked ams to pick me up but he made me wait and I had empty stomach. Waiting itself can turn up the angry srilas, so can the hunger. Waiting + hunger = furious srilas.

So, when ams finally arrived, I was no longer a nice wife, I became a sharp-tongued witch.. "what took you so long? You know how long I've been waiting? Where've you been? I'm really hungry! bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. I want to eat now!!!" And the cool husband said, "Where do you want to eat?" -- "I am hungry.. I cannot think anymore!! You should know that!!" -- "...". At the first intersection he asked, "left or right?"(Left=home, right=the city) No answer, because I was also too hungry to say something :P. And apparently he grew tired of my attitude. He too no longer said anything along the way. He hope when we passed by an eating place that I like I told him to stop. But, again, I was too hungry to say something, and he was too tired to ask me. And we just went and went until we crossed over Cilegon border. The road became narrower and darker but he didn't stop the motorcycle. I knew he was tired. He moved his shoulder up and down several times. I was so afraid that he would loose his control over the vehicle... he drove it slower and slower so it became unstable and sometimes it ran over the gravel for a while before it came back to the road. But I was so angry I couldn't say anything to stop him, I thought, "if you want to make me afraid, bring it on!!" instead.

And we reached Serang but suddenly he turned around the vehicle, hu hu I really thanked God when he did that, I didn't want to eat anymore. I was so cold and tired, I just want to sleep peacefully. But he was no longer cool husband, he was crazy. Contrary to how he drove the vehicle before, he made it ran so fast now. Really really fast. I was so afraid, and so cold but my mind was busy thinking what it was all about and I thought things that could make him stop. So, when we reached the city again suddenly I took his helmet off, hihihi. Oh I won!!! He stopped because there're so many officers along Cilegon main road.

I asked him, "What do you want?"

"Nothing", he said.

... ... ...

I said, "I won't give it back to you if you don't tell me something"

"Okay."

... ... ...

Thing is, he stopped near a sleeping mad man. Later he told me he did that on purpose because he knew I am afraid of them. The mad man made me nervous. I want to get out of that place right away, so I said,

"If you don't say anything, I'll just go home by angkot and I will bring these helmets."

"Okay"

So, I went home alone, bringing two helmets ha ha. Later he told me he must go back near Cilegon border to buy another helmet first before he came back to the city.

What a night!!! I reached home at 8.30, so cold and trembled. But thank God I was tired, so I could sleep easily. Ams didn't return home until early in the morning. When I went to work he was still sleeping.

So, when I went online and saw Patrick was online too, I sent a message for him, "my husband is not weird anymore... he's getting crazy."--"Why?" he replied and I told him everything. Funny, in the end he said, "oh..that kind of romantic..."

Ho ho, what Patrick said kind of reminded me why I love ams, because he is ams he he, who's so different from any other men. So I called ams and told him, "sorry..." and he said, "me too". Then our life back to a normal and simple life. You tell me, are we weird? or romantic?

Piyo vs Miyo

My mother called me, "bla bla, take care of yourself and the... bla bla, if you want something go for it... bla bla, I told mas Raul to give you whatever you want and he said okay..." Aha! I called ams right away, and I said, "Why don't you tell me your promise to my mother?" - "E he he he.." - "bla bla bla... remember your promise to my mother, okay? bla bla bla... remember your promise to my mother, okay? bla bla bla... just remember it!"

Hu hu hu.... actually I don't want any strange or rare things. I only want to see ams as much as I want plus a pillow and hot water, just that.... hu hu. And if I said I want the red lion--he calls it singo edan--ams already knew it. And he bought me a red cat instead. It's okay ams... thank you :* But my mother told me not to play with the cat for a while.

Nice Guy vs Nice Buffalo

Heart is a mysterious thing. What inside the heart can change so easily. You hate someone so much and at a moment your heart flip over itself and you're in love. This is what happened to me yesterday. Aheeem... Did I fall in love?

Every evening, on my way home, I have to do something so dangerous... crossing the street. Laugh as hard as you can, but it is a very creepy one >:P. It's a fine and wide street (8 lines). A perfect street to drive through with full speed. It's busy all the time, especially on after-office hour. That's the time when I have to cross it over.

And yesterday when I timidly stepped back and forth at the side of the street, waited for a pretty clear and save path for me to walk through, there came a guy at my right side. He was gonna cross the street too. And when he did it, I was so amazed, he did it confidently, gracefully, no stepping back. So, he made thing easier for me because I could walk along with him safely. And we got into the middle of the street successfully. And we turned our sight from right to left, where the vehicles came from. And suddenly the guy walked behind me and stood at my left. Woa, at that very moment I felt something warm in my heart. How nice! So, he'd set a safe path for ME again? Yes, he did.

Did I fall in love? Too bad, this story is not that fabulous a.k.a ridiculous. All I want to tell here is that how a very simple gesture can touch my heart. I'm not falling in love but I hope to meet him again, every evening. I hope he'll always be there when I need him, to help me crossing the street ha95x.

Talking about crossing the street... back then when I was in Cilegon... if I had to come home late at night... ams and I must watch the street ahead carefully because sometimes there's a herd of buffalo lazily crossing the street of krakatau industrial estate. Their grey color, matched with the color of the night, can trick our eyes. I don't want the same accident happened to me. The accident that happened long long time ago... me and my father, on a motorcycle, we crashed a big buffalo that was crossing the street at dawn time. You may think that was funny, but it was not. I fell down so hard. It hurt both my stomach and my pride. And the buffalo just ran away.

Surprise!!!

I got a message at my cellphone from Aswin, my ex coworker at the previous company that I worked for, "Why don't you reply my message at YM? They placed me at CM 1, no internet there you know!!!" (=He went online with struggle)
Ha ha, another victim of the proxy that make me looked online after I already sign out and exit from YM.

I said sorry, bla bla bla, and then he told me, "You got annual bonus, if you don't want it, I'll also take yours for myself ha ha!" What? Bonus? What a surprise. Let alone its amount, the fact that they still remember me kind of touch me, hu hu.

It reminds me of a similar situation, it was when Sofi, a finance staff of my other previous company called me two months after I resigned, "Are you keeping your old BCA account?" - "Yes, why?" - "We're gonna transfer Rp xxx into your account. It's the reward for your article." Ho ho, what a surprise... though arose a wicked thought: "that article I wrote at the stone age?" hu hu hu, sorry, I really95x appreciated that kok. Like my wise ams said against mbak Meja: It's not all about the money.

Two Questions

This posting is partly inspired by diBond's blog. In one of her posting, she wrote about questions that she hates the most, she likes the most, etc. These are the questions that I dislike the most:
1. Why are you moving from Cilegon and from KHI?
2. How long have you been married? Why don't you get pregnant or have a child?

Number 1, believe me it's a long story. I don't like to answer it because it'll only lead to another questions, or rather as judgements. Many people said, "too bad, KHI is such a big company, and it's better than other members of KS Group (read: higher salary)."
One said, "and you're gonna live separated from your husband? Ah, you're youngsters... you live your life without a plan." W..what? I'm not younger than you, we're graduated from high school in the same year! Ha ha! And furthermore, I made my decision of leaving KHI after 3 months of frowning forehead, disputes, and sometimes tears.
So, if you ask me question #1, now I tend to answer it shortly, "I don't feel comfortable working and living there." Yet, for this simple answer, one said, "ah you say it so easily!!"
Oh God, please let them know that in this world there's a thing called "tenggang rasa", consideration. Ha ha, please give them P-4 course again!

Number 2, that's not a long story. But I'm tired of that question. I'll simply smile, and when they force me more to answer it, I'll only say, "Please, pray for us."
For some people, that short answer is as useless as the long one. They'll still give comments like,
"don't prevent your pregnancy!" - We don't, I've already told you that.
"Having a child is cool! Like me, I want many children." - He he, get married first please.
"I tell you, you're not doing enough 'efforts'..." - Ow you're saying that having children equal to good in bed? Well, congratulation then. But I don't want to hear any of your "bed stories".

I wish everybody was just like my mom. Concerning to that questions, she's the most wise person. Despite the fact that she's the happiest person to know that I was working for a BUMN... when I told her that I was moving, she said, "Oh, wherever you live, wherever you work... it's OK, as long as you're happy." And I know she'll be the happiest person to have a grandchild from me but she doesn't ask me, "are you already pregnant?" cause she thinks it'll hurt my feeling. Actually, I'm just bored to that question :P and yes, some comments do hurt me.

How To Delete Your Friend on Friendster?

Finding how to do that was not an easy thing for me. First, I tried to figure it out by myself, using common user interface logic. I failed. Then I searched it on Google, found this. But I couldn't find the OBJECT delete!
Hmm, I wonder if friendster do this on purpose. Make it so hard to do, because naturally someone doesn't just delete a friend.

Finally I got the way by searching friendster's FAQ, and how is it?
1. Open your personal profile
2. Click Edit Friends, the application will show your friend list
3. Find the person that you want to delete, then click X button on top right of the person summary box (with pic, send message link, and last login info).
4. Click Yes for the confirmation.

Gosh, I've never seen that X button before 8-}.

Nodame Cantabile

I was crying watching this dorama. The music is so touching... I know nothing about classical music, but it's so beautiful.
So, everytime Nodame cried because of the music, I cried too.

KaSaCiMa

So today, I'm listening to this song... KaSaCiMa. Ha95x.
KAsihku SAyangku CIntaku MAnisku.
It'll make us easier to call each other, sacima sacima...

A positive song for us, AMSku.


Happy Anniversary.

How Lucky I Am, How Stupid I Am

I have a friend, let's just call him MAS. Don't get puzzled. MAS is not AMS though they share a character: being SMART MOUTH.
Yesterday afternoon at my office, in the middle of the quietness of working and drowsy situation suddenly my coworker shrieked, "Awwww what does MAS mean, telling things like this!!??!"
"Hee... what things?" I said. He pointed his finger to his computer screen. A chat window. Aha! His wife told him whatMAS said to her before, "X was doing really really well for choosing you as his wife." X here is my coworker.
Wahahaha... Then I sent an instant message to MAS, told him that I knew what he said to X's wife. He just laughed. And I asked him, "why you never said to me so... Why you never told me that ams did the right thing for choosing me as his wife?"
He laughed and laughed and said, "well, in your case... I should say you're doing the right thing for choosing m raul as your husband." What??? x(
Well, actually I do think so. MAS was perfectly right. But why oh why he did not kindly say it the opposite way, that I am such a blessing for ams? Just to make me happy? Ha ha, if he said so, I certainly would laugh... not because I was happy but because I'd think that he was ridiculous.

And let me tell you what ams thinks about whether we choose the right partner for the rest of our life.
When I do something stupid, when I make mistake, I'll say, "Haa how stupid I am." And when ams is around, he'll say, "yaaa you're so stupid, indeed." Oh, I won't be mad at him because I know after that he'll say, "you're so stupid for choosing me as your husband." And he know that I'll say, "silly, of course I chose you... you're the smartest man I've ever met in my life." The conversation already become our ritual. Now, don't vomit please.

Poor Ams

Poor poor ams... left by his uncaring spouse, must live alone in the deserted dusty city. Stay at home alone. Do all the household activities by himself. Cleaning, laundering, cooking (instant noodle only)... and also keeping things safe from mice attack.

Last night he said he must attend an important meeting with some ministry officials. Hurriedly I said, "don't be too lazy not ironing your clothes!!" Haa! I know exactly he doesn't like that activity and he doesn't mind wearing wrinkled clothes. He just laughed, right away I was sure he won't iron his clothes.

Today I got a short message from him. "So embarassed, eat at Sari Kuring and I got a hole at my toe" Ha ha ha ha.

If only I was there, live with him... :(( But what's the point? He'll still wear the same sock!! Ha ha... I won't care about what sock he wears :D:D:D.
Yes I am, I'm an uncaring wife.